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What Lies We Speak

to ourselves?

So this morning as I'm getting ready for my WW meeting I'm wondering what lies I've been telling myself over the last 6 weeks. I'm now up a total of 5.2 from my lowest weight. It pains me to tell ya'll this, but it's the truth. I have been whispering lies to myself over the last 6 weeks and I can see myself trying to deny the fact that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. For instance the biggest lie I've been telling myself over and over:

I'll start tomorrow. I just need to finish eating the junk that's in the house. Once it's gone I can start fresh.

OK here's and idea, how bout you a. throw it out and b. quit buying it. I mean really!

I notice that I haven't been getting on the scale everyday. This is my way of denying what I'm really doing. I haven't stepped on the scale for a week. For me that's like sticking my head in the sand or covering my ears and screaming, la la la I can't hear you! Oh and I haven't been wearing my jeans AND I haven't been trying on my smaller size jeans. These are all ways of pretending what's happening isn't really happening!

I've been focusing on how much I have to lose instead of setting smaller reasonable goals for myself. When I focus on the total weight, I get overwhelmed. For me right now it's about focusing on today. Really that's how it should be all the time. Just for today. Just for today I'm writing everything I eat down and I'm weighing and measuring and I'm getting in all my servings on veggies. Just for today! I can worry about tomorrow and the day after that when they get here!

Tiny changes and choices made over time can either get me to my goal or take me farther from it. I've decided that I've walked far enough away from my goal and now I'm turning around and heading closer to it! Not tomorrow, TODAY!

Tis the season to be self destructive, Fa La La La La, La La La La

Or maybe that's just me? OK!

So here's the deal. I hurt my back. My lower back. I have an appointment with the chiro on Monday afternoon. Hoping something needs to be whacked back into place. As I think that my little man whacked something out of place as he jumped (all 50 pounds!) on my back while we were playing on the floor earlier this week.

At first I thought it was just a stiffness. Now it's uncomfortable to sit, stand, lay. I really feel it if I do any accidental twisting, not the dance, and when I'm getting dressed. Lifting my left leg up to step into pants, Yeow to the right side of my lower back. Maybe that's why I'm still in my pajamas, yeah, that's why. *wink*

Looking back...

Deb at Shedding My Fat Suit, tagged me in a meme : What would you say to your younger self 2, 5, 10, and 15 years ago?

This is hard! But I'll give it a go.

2 years ago I was 39 (almost 40). I would tell myself not to get so hung up on age and to quit being so afraid of living and dying. I was rapidly approaching 40 and that was a hard time for me.

5 years ago: I was 37 and my son had just been born in July. I would tell myself not to sweat the small stuff. You're a good mom and quit being afraid! (Seeing a general pattern here?)

10 years ago: I was 31, we had just moved from Florida to Upstate NY. Just because. I would tell myself to embrace change and enjoy it. That's what life is all about, oh, and quit being afraid!

15 years ago: I was 27, wow I had been married for almost 3 years. My mom and dad were still alive. I would tell myself to give my parents lots of hugs and kisses and tell them I love them often. Forgive them their short comings as they did their best and they would both be gone soon. My dad in 2 years, my mom in 4. I'd tell myself to learn to love myself and be happy with me, and of course, quit being afraid!


I tag:
Tisha at A Blob Blog
Shanna at A Gym Rat's Tale

And anyone else who wants to participate!! :)

Monday, Monday....

Well it's Monday! I'm up a total of 3.6 pounds. I haven't posted my weight in a while. I'm working hard to find balance and to find something I can live with. It's not easy and I'm having a hard time. This too shall pass!

Sometime soon I'm going to be changing my blog location. So I just wanted to give everyone a heads up, not sure when that's going to happen though. I'll keep you posted!

So, it's Monday and I signed up for a Relax and Restore class at my gym. Wouldn't you know my son got sick. :( I was able to go last week because my husband was home from work. But today I just can't take him to the gym nursery. He still has a cough with congestion. So, we are home.

The class is almost like getting a massage. We're using these thick foam rollers. Hard to explain but you position yourself on them and roll back and forth, like on your lower back, and work out some of your hot spots. I felt soo relaxed after last weeks session. I'm soo bummed about not getting to go today.

Hopefully next week.

I took my son to see "Madagascar 2" on Friday and that was great fun. We laughed a lot. We've already made plans to see "Bolt" when it comes out. Looks real cute! The downside to going to the movies, we ate a bunch of candy! Little man and I talked about that and we decided that the next time we go to the movies we are not going to eat during the movie. Next time we are going to get a low fat cone from McDonald's after the movie. I figure that's a bit more controlled and we can talk about the movie while we enjoy our cone.

How was your weekend?

Happy Friday!

My sister had this video on her facebook profile and I thought it was pretty cool. It just made me smile! I used to be able to juggle, nothing like this. It's an amazing talent, not only eye hand coordination it takes precision you have to throw the ball at just the right speed and height! Not to mention that he's keeping beat to the music AND I think I even saw him singing! Enjoy!

I feel progress!

As somebody that has a LOT of weight to lose it's always hard to know that there are changes going on in my body that I can't see! My legs are feeling sooo firm, but yet when I look at them in the mirror all I see is a bunch of cellulite and fat. YUCK! Kinda disappointing. OK, VERY disappointing. But at least I know that changes are happening from the inside out.

Another way I can measure my progress is in my workouts. I had group training last night and it was a great workout. We started with Bosu Burpees. After you do the plank then you stand up and lift the Bosu over your head.



These used to be real hard for me and I noticed last night that they weren't so bad.

Then we did a forward lunge stepping onto the Bosu. My trainer noticed that I'm going down much further in my lunges and that I was much stronger coming out of the lunge.

It's nice when I can find progress in other ways then the mirror. I guess the mirror will come along eventually! Til then I can feel good knowing that I am moving forward!

It's all about choices!

Well I have to say that I had a light bulb moment yesterday. I kept waiting for something to flip the switch so that I could get back on track with how I was eating. My aha moment was realizing that switch doesn't work on it's own. It ain't magic. That switch is tied into how I think. Today I'm back to being committed, no matter what! That's day 2 of the 100 Days of weight loss. Somehow I think I'm going to have to keep committing myself every day.

That's good and bad. It's good because I have the power, it's all mine, and it's tied into how I choose to think. So, no more telling myself I don't like veggies, no more telling myself how much I love to eat sweets and how hard it is for me to stay away from them. Today I've been telling myself how much I want to eat healthy. How easy it is for me to eat healthy. How much I like eating healthy and how good it is for my body!

The bad, well I'm going to choose not to worry about the bad right now. The only thing I need to know is that I hold all the power. I make the decisions around here. My hand can't pick up the chocolate on it's own and put it into my mouth. My mouth can't chew and my throat can't swallow unless I make the choice to do all those things! I am powerful! I am in control of my choices!

Having said all this I know there will be days when the choice I make will be to turn the switch off and eat however I want. My goal in this journey isn't to be perfect, it's to be perfectly OK with the choices I make! This is a huge revelation for me. It gives me hope. It makes me wonder what new and exciting discovery I will make next! :)

OK before I break out into "I am woman hear me roar..." I'll stop here for now! LOL

Be careful what you think?

So I was visiting Mizfit this morning and as usual she got me thinking! If you guys haven't visited her yet, I really can't imagine that you haven't, but, if you haven't, you need to! She is the awesomest ever. :) Anywho, I started thinking about what my tagline would be. To start with I would think "Progress, not perfection". As a closet perfectionist I tend to overwhelm myself from the get go. I over think things and basically talk myself out of doing a LOT of stuff because, well, I won't be able to do it perfect.

But it also got me to thinking about choices that we make without even realizing that we're making them (I'm kinda foggy on the connection, but this is how my brain works). Like, everyday I choose to stay and be married to my husband. Or, everyday I choose my mood. I choose how to react to something or somebody. It's all a choice. So, that got me to thinking that maybe parts of how I react to food are a choice.

I remember taking a Yoga class eons ago and the lady said be careful what you "think". If you have a headache and you say or think, "my head is killing me" well your whole body reacts to that statement or thought. So, when I think or write about me not being able to have ice cream in the house because I will eat the whole container, is that a self fulfilling prophecy?

I think it might be. Wow, do I actually have more control then I realize over my relationship with food? Do I?

Now I know that there are other things involved with food such as how your body reacts to it, and how some foods release feel good thingees, like hormones or endorphins, don't they? But I'm talking about my choice. What I choose to tell myself about certain foods. Are they true because they, well, are? Or, are they true because I SAY or THINK they are.

Yikes!

So, maybe for my weight loss journey my tag line should be something like, "Be mindful of what you think." I think a personal tagline is about where you are in life and where you want to be. I want to be kinder to myself, I want to believe in myself, I want to be responsible for the choices I make! Right now for me that is all connected to what I think and what I say to myself!

Thanks for all of your support on the Halloween candy. We let him have the candy and he ate pretty much all of it in 2 days, BUT, he hasn't asked for a treat or anymore candy today at all. Curious to see how long that lasts. Usually that is the first thing he asks for EVERYDAY!

Freakin over candy!

It's the day after Halloween. As soon as my son gets out of bed it's "Can I have a treat please?" At first my husband and I think "No.". But then I revisit a memory or a realization from my childhood. I tell my husband there was a LOT of food/treat restriction in my childhood. I feel because of that, if it's in the house I HAVE to eat it ALL! I ask my husband if it was like that in his house when he was growing up. He says "No, but we didn't really have treats in the house, but when we went out to the store and we asked for it we could have it." My husband doesn't have a problem with treats, I do!

I don't know what to do. Some people let their kids have at their Halloween candy and when it's gone, it's gone. Some people dole it out a little bit at a time. I tend to think that for us handing it out a little at a time might not be the right way to do it. I think it puts a LOT of importance on the candy and then that's all he can think about. If we just put it out on the table and let him choose when and how much he will eat, he has the power and I think that in some ways it takes the importance off the candy. If he chooses to eat it all, it's gone and he probably has a bellyache. Does he learn a lesson from that? Heck I don't know. I'm winging it here!

This is causing me so much anxiety that I'm having trouble catching my breath. I want him to be alright. I want him to not have food issues, but I feel like I've already created them in him. That doesn't feel very good. How can I instill a normal view of food when I don't have one? What is normal?

For him, I want treats to not be a big deal. But I think that I inadvertently made them a big deal by being so restrictive and regimented.

Yikes!